Self-Realization.

Sometimes, it shocks me how inconsiderate people can be.. But life goes on. It’s not worth it...

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 05:12:19 -0700

Sometimes, it shocks me how inconsiderate people can be.. But life goes on.

It’s not worth it to think that people even care. That people are against you. Or that people are genuine. Cause in the end, you find out that most are every bit of selfish in their own little way: whether it be a over-friendly foe, a competitive always-better-than-you ex-best friend, or an incompetently prioritized ex-boyfriend. And trust me, experience has taught me in the hardest of ways.

Although it’s good to be selfless, good to be giving, good to be considerate, people just don’t reciprocate. That’s how the cookie fucking crumbles. And it doesn’t satisfy anyone.

It’s hard to move past things and forgive and forget. You try and you try. And then, you realize that sometimes people don’t deserve the second chance. Or deserve your attention at all.

Being in San Diego has really opened my eyes to friendships/relationships and their lack of significance to others. Probably a good handful of people have come to visit or have kept in touch, and I really appreciate them all. I’m lucky to have such friends.

Others, however, really just don’t deserve the attention. It really disappoints me how bothered I am over some inconsiderate people. Why worry about such trivial matters when I have more critical issues to worry about. I should be working hard to take care of things.. bills, family, myself. Trying hard in school. Staying strong to support myself so that no one else has to. Because no one else can.

College isn’t all about work, nor is it solely about play. Working all the time doesn’t make me happy. But I don’t have a choice. I wish I could come home whenever I want to to enjoy summer.. be carefree.. and spend time with friends. But I can’t. And I hate myself for it more and more every day. I can’t help but to watch these inconsiderate people spend every second of their lives together while I’m 100 miles away, working my ass off as a result of zero foundation. and zero support.

It’s a fucking slap in the face.

.. deactivating that facebook shit after this Vegas getaway. Hopefully it’ll help me focus on getting the important things straight.. without the distractions of others.

:)

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 04:34:42 -0700

Since last time, everything’s been different. It’s crazy how drastically things can...

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 05:52:00 -0800

Since last time, everything’s been different. It’s crazy how drastically things can change within a matter of two months. Honestly, it’s been a good year so far, and that maaay be the best feeling I’ve had since mid-high school. The grades are picking up, distractions put aside, 1up-ed my toleration, and leaving out the trivial matters. Keeping myself preoccupied with school and work seems to be the best cure right now for a lot of things that catch me on the down side. :/ Although it heals, it in-a-way tears me from going home. :(

Being back for the first time in three weeks last weekend, really helped to remind me of the amazing family I have. Since January 3rd, I’ve only been home twice.. which is a huggggeeeee improvement since freshman year.. I kind of forgot how good it feels to be home. Not necessarily home-home though; my grandma is always sure to create hell within the first couple hours. (One and a half hours is the new record… -.-) But being home at my aunt’s really reminded me of how fortunate I am to have such a family. And that although it may be pretty broken up and seemingly imperfect at the moment, they’re the best I could ever ask for.

Caught by surprise from a phonecall a few days ago, after not hearing from the person in years. It was good to hear from him though. It’s crazy how hearing another’s voice can flood the mind with memories within seconds.

Overall, things have been going mighty swell. :) I’m excited to be going home this weekend for the bestie’s birthday.. It’ll be a fun weekend, I’m sure. :) Gonna try to finish all my crap before going home though… So I won’t be hating myself on Sunday night after work… D:

Two months have flown by so quickly… I’m hoping the rest of the year will go by just as fast.. I can’t wait til the end of the year.. for all this, to be over..

..still stayin’ strong.

dazed.

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 19:18:22 -0800

Don’t really have much to say? The new year hasn’t been too great. This past weekend….. heh. Lots of stuff happened at Big Bear.. and I kinda wanna go back but kinda don’t. Found out a lot of things and realized a lotta things too. I realized that I think it’s finally time to let go of some things that were once always the center of my focus. There’s always a time for everything.. and I think that time is now. I’ve gotten so much negative feedback over the years with the occasional hope.. but really, I think letting go is the best thing to do. Of course people never realize how much hurt they’ve caused you, but that’s okay. That’s how you know they aren’t worth it. This next half of the year, I’m gonna focus on what’s important and leave out the distractions. I’ve been so preoccupied by things that don’t matter.. and I guess that’s why my grades, mindset, and attitude have been so pessimistic and down. A few things brought to my attention that I think it’s time to start fresh and live better and fuller. And that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to open up more to people.

I promise to be more confident with the things I do.. I promise to be more giving and kind to those who are there for me, and less open to those who don’t deserve it. I promise to live a better life this year forward, one with happiness, luck, strength, and courage to overcome those obstacles that I’ve let get in the way. I promise to strive in school and focus on the more important things in life by lowering the hours I spend dwelling and wasting time and actually getting out to do the things I love, including volleyball, meeting people, cooking, crafts, etc. I promise to work hard and stay strong for another year.. so that my grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, and stepmom will have one less burden to worry about..

And lastly, I promise to move on.